“Let people help” – Advice that made a big difference to a grieving widow
npr.org108 points by NaOH 13 hours ago
108 points by NaOH 13 hours ago
Rabbi Haim once ascended to the firmaments to see the difference between the worlds. He first visited Gehenna (Hell).
He saw a vast hall with long tables covered in the most magnificent foods. But the people sitting there were skeletal and wailing in agony. As the Rabbi looked closer, he saw that every person had wooden slats splinted to their arms, stretching from their shoulders to their wrists. Their arms were perfectly straight and stiff; they could pick up a spoon, but they could not bend their elbows to bring the food to their own mouths. They sat in front of a feast, starving in bitterness.
The Rabbi then visited Gan Eden (Heaven). To his surprise, he saw the exact same hall, the same tables, and the same magnificent food. Even more shocking, the people there also had wooden slats splinted to their arms, keeping them from bending their elbows. But here, the hall was filled with laughter and song. The people were well-fed and glowing. As the Rabbi watched, he saw a man fill his spoon and reach across the table, placing the food into the mouth of the man sitting opposite him. That man, in turn, filled his spoon and fed his friend.
The Rabbi returned to Hell and whispered to one of the starving men, "You do not have to starve! Reach across and feed your neighbor, and he will feed you." The man in Hell looked at him with spite and replied, "What? You expect me to feed that fool across from me? I would rather starve than give him the pleasure of a full belly!"
The Judeo–Christian God really has a thing for attaching people to wood.
Long time ago I did my confirmation (ex-protestant), but I seem to recall that wood is used a lot because it's a symbolism to man's mortality and frailty. Then after/with the crucifixion it also became a symbol of sacrifice and redemption in connection to mortality and frailty. But someone who remembers their studies better might offer a better explanation to why it's so popular.
Trees are big in the Torah and Bible generally. The Bible Project did a whole series on trees in the Bible. You've got the Tree of Life, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, the cross, the tree in the book of Jonah, the fig tree, the parable of the vine and the branches, etc..
It all makes sense for a religion steeped in a desert culture. Trees are (relatively) rare, and what they offer is incredibly important and life giving.
I can’t help thinking this applies to universal healthcare in the US.
It would be cheaper and get better outcomes, but is still opposed because “working together is socialism”
Meta: downvotes to prove my point.
When someone's spouse has died, a very helpful thing to do is to cook and package and deliver meals that the surviving spouse can simply place in the fridge and warm up as needed. When you are grieving, to actually prepare a meal is a terribly, terribly difficult thing to do.
Same advise exactly for a newborn. It was incredibly helpful for us, and now we love doing it for others.
I find it fitting the approach for new life and death can be the same.
Maybe because I'm on kid #6, but what is the hard part again? They sleep most the day, giving you an opportunity to sleep and cook.
I remember kid #1, we didn't remember to burp and he was fussy, but after that, its been fine.
The nice thing about that is that you don't have to ask how you can help, you can just help. I knew a guy who would go to a grieving household and clean their shoes.
I think you'd have to be awfully closely associated with that household for that to work. As a widower I have to say that I really would not have wanted an outsider suddenly appearing and deciding what I needed help with when my wife died.
Perhaps it would work if there were very clear signs that the bereaved were unable to cope.
You even have to be careful with bringing meals. When we lost a family member and all kinds of food started showing up, it was very sweet of people. But it became just one more hassle to deal with at a time when we already had too much to deal with.
I feel as though you’ve skipped over the entire article, here you complain about people helping for an article titled “Let people help!”
But "help" has to be what will actually help, otherwise it's not actually help. That is, help has to be what the receiver considers help, not what the giver considers help.
"Let me help you in the way I want to help, not in the way you actually need" is either short-sightedness or selfishness. But it's not actually helpful.
The best thing I've found is to ask what they need help with, then do that thing for them. One time when we just brought food (by traditional and assumption, without thinking too hard about it), it ended up being more frustrating for the people receiving it then intended.
It's true. And technically many of them can afford takeout when it's too hard. But there's something healing about someone, whether family or friends, actually doing the act of helping in this way. It's a sort of transfer of love from one heart into another, which heals the broken one. The more of a sacrifice it costs the one giving help, the more healing efficacy it seems to have, even if the amount is unknown to the person receiving help. It's almost magical.
For 4 years tho?
same here, i had to check the transcription was right, maybe she mixed up the words?
Text-based alt: https://text.npr.org/2026/01/20/nx-s1-5683170/let-them-the-s...
Thank for the alt text-only-mode link, it's nice.
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