Caring for yourself while caring for others

This hits home. I've been taking care of my father for years. He has dementia, COPD, and a bunch of other issues. In a lot of ways it's like the pandemic never ended for us. I barely leave the house other than for trips to the grocery store and doctor's visits. It's brutal.

Sadly, I'm also recognizing that as a man pushing 50, I'm not very good at asking for help. I don't. I'm also not good at maintaining strong social ties. Both of these are things I hope to get better at. It sounds so easy, but I struggle with both. Especially while managing the ups and downs of my mental health and taking care of my father.

That said, I'm very grateful that none of this triggered a relapse of my drinking. That would not be good. For the most part, I use meditation and exercise to hold myself together.

Sharing this doesn't excite me, but maybe there are other caregivers out there that feel the same way. And for those of you with children, please plan for how you're going to handle your late life care.

My partner is undergoing chemo for stage 4 sarcoma and co-incidentally, my 13 month old happened to get sick on the day my partner started (around 2 weeks ago)

Looking after a sick toddler by myself, whilst also trying to juggle WFH has been... I haven't felt this level of depression and hopeless since my early 20s. I've never been more overwhelmed in my life.

Honestly, there is no coping mechanism in that scenario. You're being pulled from 20 different directions, the house is a mess, you're emotionally a wreck. It honestly feels impossible.

Thankfully yesterday I was finally able to put her into daycare and the weight that was lifted from my shoulders was immense.

I'm honestly worried for the future and I might just have to quit my job if it comes to it. But that's just life. I never knew it could be so brutal.

i wish there were more resources for caregivers tending to family with mental health issues.

unlike a physical illness or disabilities where there are clearly defined caregiving tasks (e.g., helping with mobility, bathing, administering medication), it's primarily emotional/mental burden where you can't just ask a stranger to stop by and help out for a couple days (not to say that there isn't a mental/emotional burden with all forms of caregiving).

couple that with the social stigma many people feel about mental health issues, you will most likely have to fulfill your caregiving role secretly in the privacy of your home so it isn't possible to find a community of other people in a similar situation.

it's overwhelming and isolating. and when you do start looking for resources on how to take care of yourself or searching for some community where you could vent and feel understood... all you'll find are lists of tips for "here's how to help your loved one start therapy". i know they mean well, but it just reinforces the idea that you were wrong to have been thinking about your own needs and you really just need to be more selfless and more dedicated to supporting your loved ones.

When I watch my sister talking with my mum about health problems, I'm aware that - as a man (and a programmer) - I repeatedly fall into the trap of 'trying to find a solution'. So I humbly suggest to all the other men/programmers out there who are caring for someone else, always try first to acknowledge what someone is saying to you, rather than trying to jump straight to a solution, because the latter can sometimes appear to be ignoring that person's feelings or condition, or failing to acknowledge them.

I have been taking care of my partner suffering a chronic illness for 2-3 years now and it is phenomenal that this on the top of HN. I've had to figure out a lot of this for myself having made many mistakes and I still just learned about Respite Care. Thanks OP :)

Not to diminish or confuse the challenges of caregiving, but most of this is also be generally good advice (if not complete) for someone burning themselves out at a very demanding job, startup, school, etc.

Most of it is also good advice in general.

Maybe something significant about saying it to a particular group like this is to both remind of general good advice, and to clarify that, even though it seems you're in an exceptional situation, the good advice still applies or may be more important now than baseline?

People in these situations should learn about codependency.

Although most people think of codependency in terms of unhealthy love relationships, it is also common for caregivers.

The idea is NOT that you should stop caring, or walk away.

It is sort of adopting a "healthy neutrality" frame of mind, and give/function well.

Taking care of yourself means authentic emotional expression and it's crucial to health, as it reduces this internalized stress, helping to maintain both mental and physical well-being.

In The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté argues that suppressing emotions, particularly anger, can weaken the immune system and lead to chronic illness, including conditions like multiple sclerosis (MS).

Maté explains that repressing anger -- e.g. due to societal or familial pressure to avoid conflict or "be nice" -- creates internal stress, which over time harms the body’s immune response. This chronic stress actually triggers autoimmune disorders, as the immune system starts to attack the body itself.

I've been a caretaker off and on for about half a decade now. I also have chronic often debilitating illnesses. Sometimes we are both in inoperable states and it can be scary. My ability to work remote is probably the reason we aren't on disability or in the gutter.

Not looking for pitty or kudos I work hard and pay the bills. I only want everyone to take a deep breath before they crap all over someone at work, or sniff at a resume. You never know what someone's situation is. Usually that's when someone has to leave to recover because corporate structure doesn't support disappearing for a week when PTO has run out.

If that 20% does not include those raising kids, then it's crazy high. People should be free to live their own lives and make their own choices. And those with nurturing instincts should be well compensated to care for those we can't or won't tend to 24-7. No one should be alone with around the clock care of another human.

Of course we should all pitch in with whatever capacities we do have. But it must not be all consuming. And not block off our own opportunities to a life of our own.

Speaking as someone who was the sole caregiver for both my parents, one of whom had a truly awful Alzheimer's journey, I find the bullet points in this listicle rather aggravating.

Take time for yourself? Get help? Take a break? No shit. Now tell me how. If I had the money, resources, or available other people to help share the load, I wouldn't have been where I was.

Most caregivers are in this situation because they're it, the last line of defense. The isolating, overbearing difficulty comes from knowing what you need, and not having the resources to get it. The article has real "Are you starving? Try eating food!" energy.

I have personal experience with this and wrote about it here - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39394432 Others might also find it useful. I think of it as my "second career" and am now looking at what to do for the rest of my life as a "third career".

As Humans with strong bonds to others it must be thought of as "Our Duty to Do" and in particular; Filial Duty is paramount (assuming "normal" Parents).

Lessons learned and Advice;

1) It will be very difficult and exhausting both Mentally and Physically (we are designed to be selfish and altruism is hard). But you will have to develop "mental attitudes and physical behaviours" to cope with all circumstances and build up fortitude.

2) Techniques from Philosophy and Science should be employed to develop proper attitudes and behaviours. For example from Tibetan Buddhist "Mind Training" practices (Lojong - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lojong and Tonglen - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonglen) one can train in compassion and willingness to suffer for others so that we can always maintain a positive outlook (this is key). See the book Essential Mind Training: Tibetan Wisdom for Daily Life by Thupten Jinpa for some of the original Tibetan texts. You should also read the works of Stoics Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, Seneca and Cicero for developing mental strength.

3) On the physical side, set up your daily schedule around the patient's and do things together as much as possible eg. eating breakfast/etc. together, watching movies/just talking/going out/etc. together so that they never get a sense of being "alone and abandoned". Make sure to have a proper nutritious diet and take frequent naps/entertainment during downtime. You are not giving up "your wants" but merely re-scheduling it around "somebody else's needs". Do/Maintain proper Exercise (light and not too heavy) so that you are in good health and do not have to worry about yourself (this is key).

4) Time is finite and in order to do the above you will have to give up somethings you love and like to do. Be strict with yourself and give up all "your wants" which will hinder your duty and only add them in if you can make time for it without hurting the "patient's needs". Be clear in communicating your duties to others(friends etc.) so that they understand your situation and can maybe help as needed. You have to establish a new equilibrium with your environment.

5) Periodically you will fail in your caregiving and blame them/others (we are selfish animals after all) but that is ok as long as it does not become frequent and a pattern/habit. Catch yourself slipping on "your duty" and get back on track and show you mean it with extra care talk/action.

Finally; always remember that nothing can overwhelm you unless and until you allow it to. Everything can be managed with knowledge, action and discipline.

Always nice to see content like this come up. It's a struggle to do self care. Wrote something about this last week because I've been struggling for awhile too.

https://www.dandigangi.com/blog/self-care-is-really-really-h....

Good ideas but as with so many things, easier said than done.

> 4. Be gentle with yourself

> It’s common to experience a wide range of emotions as a caregiver. You might feel frustrated, sad, resentful, joyful—all in the same day or even in the same hour! These feelings are a normal part of the caregiving experience, and it’s okay to express them.

I think this one is the most important and it extends to everyone, not just people in a caregiving role.

Be able to forgive yourself. Past mistakes, things you said, or did, or didn't do. All the the showerthoughts that make you cringe up. Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive.

sometimes the obvious advice is the most important to hear. thanks for posting.

unfortunately the nature of some health problems that require a caregiver, makes both the sufferer and caregiver into social pariahs. in that case asking for help is unlikely to work well. but even in such cases the other advice is very sound.

Perfectly timed article ! I went through this last month, had a major panic attack and realized I had totally forgotten about myself. First thing I started doing was focus on physical health as that works faster and is easier to manage than mental health.

I love the way “take a break” is presented as an available option. I guarantee that for many caregivers it’s absolutely not.

Thank you for posting this. <3

[flagged]